Waste of my time

Before I was married, I probably watched 3 to 4 movies a week. I was not picky, and usually, the more implausible and stupid the movie was, the more I was entertained. The last decade, as the number of dependents grow within the walls of my home, the number of films I watch has taken a steady decline to the tune of maybe 1 or 2 movies a month. Because of this drastic change in viewing practices, I usually try really hard to get the scoop on a film before I devote sleep and family time to watch it. I usually check with trusted friends, reviews on Netflix, and my trusted pal, Roger Ebert. I have also been known to take a chance on a movie solely because I think the story is enticing, or original; which is precisely what I did this past weekend with a movie called "The Lovely Bones".

The film tells the story about a girl who is murdered at the age of 14 in a senseless and brutal way. However, her character remains the narrator of the film as she watches life on Earth unfold from her perch above in some bizarro world between death and eventual heaven. It is later explained (at least, this my my take on it) that she was having a hard time letting go of her earthly, familial life, so she was kind of in limbo until she could bring herself to do so.

Well, in the meantime her family goes on coping with her death, each other, and the fact that the investigation into the murder has completely stalled. Her parents (Mark Wahlberg and Rachel Weisz) cope with their grief in entirely different ways, and seemingly grow apart. Wahlberg's character becomes very involved in the investigation and continuously pesters the detective in charge of his daughter's case. His contributions are both irrelevant and unwanted.

See, the plot doesn't sound so bad at this point, does it? Well, unfortunately for this movie, the director (Peter Jackson) decides to fill the gaps with mindless crap, plot holes the size of our lovely planet, and characters that lack importance, relevance and interest.

Let me just say, we know who the killer is within the first 15 minutes of the film. That works for Law and Order, but it doesn't work here. The reason being, the killer is one of the most uninteresting characters in the film and yet he is undoubtedly one of the most important. We never really know his motivation, we know very little of his background, or the desire that drives him. We. Know. Nothing. And really, we never get the chance to either. The audience never gets to either hate this man, cope with him in some way, or at the very least, gain an understanding of where he is coming from. All of that is overlooked so that we can follow around this young girl in her afterlife while she struggles to deal with the fact that her younger sister got kissed before she ever did. Yes....I am being serious.

The insanity doesn't stop there. The night the girl goes missing, the family is gathered around the dinner table wondering when Suzie is coming home. In the first scene, her little sister says, "she is staying after school for film club", and one scene later, while sitting around the same dinner table, dad says, "so, when did you say Suzie was coming home from the mall?" The sister goes on to answer the question, seemingly unaware that mere minutes prior she told him she was staying after school for film club. Bad editing, terrible oversight.

This movie also has one of those implausible moments where one of the characters is the strongest, quickest, most agile human beings on earth in one scene, then two scenes later nearly has a heart attack walking to his car. I will explain this scene, not because I want to ruin the movie, but because you need to know how ridiculous this is and share in my laughter.

So, the murderer has the little girl stuffed in a massive safe in his basement, which has a very long staircase to the main floor. There comes a point where he has to move the safe, and he has to do it fast. In a matter of about a minute, he has the safe up the stairs, in the back of his pickup, covered with a tarp, and he's outta there! Meanwhile, when he gets to his destination, he pays a man a large sum of money to help him move the safe towards a large sinkhole. Together, they move this safe painfully slow, rolling it on to its side, over and over again until they reach the hole. It is supposed to be a very somber, painful part of the film, but I just sat there stunned at what I was seeing. How do paid professionals oversee this??

Perhaps the most disappointing part of all of this is that it is Peter Jackson's fault. This is the man that directed the Lord of the Rings Trilogy. How is this possibly the same person? As long as this review is, I could double it over again with more complaints. Honestly, I had heard this move was lacking, but wow, this is amateur crap. No stars for me.....but please, if you want a lesson in how to make a bad movie and spend too much time worrying about the pointless CGI in the afterlife, RUN RUN RUN to the nearest Blockbuster Video.